Bullies are a lot like other addicts. Only they become addicted to a certain way of thinking, (“It’s your fault!”), addicted to control, (“Do it my way or you’ll be sorry!”), and addicted to the “rush” of anger.

It is not easy to change as anyone who has tried and failed at dieting or keeping on an exercise program knows. It is hard it is to change a familiar way of thinking and behaving, even when it is in our best interest.

As a bully you will know you are ready to enter “recovery” when:

• Living your life has become more painful than the pain and fear of change
• When your goals have changed and your goals seem unattainable because the way you live your life hasn’t
• When you begin to realize that there may be a better way to live

If you are ready for change in order to meet new objectives and have a more fulfilling live, WELCOME!

When I was a bully I lived my life in great emotional pain. I knew I wasn’t being who I really was, I was living a lie. I pretended to be a tough guy to show others and myself that if I wasn’t worth anything ”they” were worth even less. I needed to keep others away. I didn’t want anyone to know my deep, dark secret. I didn’t even know what it was. But I felt if “it” was discovered it would destroy me.

Strangely, I also felt there was a better me deep inside, but I had no idea how to discover that person. I was even afraid to let any part of him out as he seemed so vulnerable. Too vulnerable! He wasn’t tough enough and I felt scared if I even acknowledged the existence of a “kinder” me.

I hope you will learn that there is strength in being vulnerable. If you have nothing to hide, you can never be threatened by exposure. Therefore, having nothing to fear you can charge ahead into your life.

Whether you share these same feelings or your feelings are different, all that is important now is that you are ready for a better life. You may experience many “ups and downs” along the way, but it will be worth it.

The first step in Bully Recovery is:

1. Admit you have a problem, bullying; and that you want to change.

Admission to having a problem is the first step. By admitting you are a bully you are opening yourself up to the opportunity of change.

Maybe the words you use are different than “I am a bully. I don’t like myself this way and I am ready to change.” Perhaps you said something like I hurt so much and I know I don’t have any real friends. How do I get along with others?” Or “I’m not happy. There must be a better way to live.” No matter what words you have used to express your admission to being a bully and your willingness to change, you are ready.

2. Seek and ask for assistance from a power greater than yourself.

It doesn’t matter if you belong to a formal religious belief. Seek God or that part of yourself that knows what is best for you and ask for help. Ask for assistance in making the transition from being a bully to becoming a better person . There is strength in knowing that “Someone” always knows what is best for you and can help you in achieving it.

3. Create a list of why you think you have bullied others.

When you create a list of why you hurt or bullied others, be as honest as you can be. If bullying has become such a habit that no reason is needed to harm another, simply put down “I don’t know”, the reason will become clear later.

When I first created my list I discovered that I often hurt people who tried to be-friend me. When I felt they were getting too close I would do something to damage the relationship.

I also found that because of the “worthlessness” that I grew up with in my family, I would often create situations where those “worthless” feelings would be enforced. I would strike at meeker people, those who were defenseless so I would be accused of being “a low life” and enhance that worthless feeling.

I also discovered that I would strike at those who felt superior, acted stuck up or like they were better than the rest. I would hurt them to rob their self esteem and bring them down a notch or two. Misery loves company. I was miserable and wanted everyone else to be miserable also.

Take time to go back in your memory and re-live the bullying, see it occur in your mind’s eye, with you as a witness. Then ask yourself, “what did I get out of this?” Write the answer down. When you are done with this exercise you will begin to see why you bullied. As time goes on, other incidents may come to mind and additional reasons for bullying may be added to this list.

4. Filling in the holes; changing your self-image.

Now that you have a list of reasons you think you bullied others, look it over. They will be something like “because I’m no good”, “because they made me feel angry”, “because I was jealous”.

Each answer you supplied identifies a hole in you, a need or desire unfulfilled; a cause for low self-esteem. Let’s examine what you’ve written. Let’s say for instance you wrote that you bullied because it seemed like the “cool thing”. Does this then translate as “I am not cool? Therefore I need to do things which are considered cool to be cool.”

If that is an accurate statement, we have identified a hole in you … a need to be perceived as cool. By changing your self-image from being an un-cool person to a cool person, you will no longer need to bully others to feel cool.

Here’s an exercise that may help fill this hole. On a lined sheet of paper, write down everything you do that is cool. Maybe you are a skateboarder, that’s cool. Write it down. Maybe you are a star athlete, cool! Write it down. Maybe you are the best friend someone could ever have, write it down. Write down all the positive things you can think of that may even remotely be considered cool.

Now, after you are done listing these items, read it over. Find the top 5 - 10 things to you and re-write them numbered by importance. Now you have the Top Ten Reasons I am COOL list. Put it up on the bathroom mirror or hang it on your bedroom door. Put it where you will see it several times a day. Then every time you see the list, take time to read it.

Maybe some of the reasons you listed for bullying are a little more complex.

When I created my list there were things like, “to keep others from knowing my background”. “I don’t want anyone to know about my family”. Perhaps you have written something similar. The best way around issues like this is a change in attitude. When we change our attitude we are saying, I cannot help the facts of the matter, but I can help how I feel about it. For example, my father was an alcoholic and spent more time in bars than he did with his family. I knew family life wasn’t supposed to be this way, but I couldn’t change it. I didn’t know how and if I did, I don’t know that I could have. My attitude about this situation was “humiliation and embarrassment”. It was a fact that I wanted to be hidden away, didn’t want anyone to know.

By changing my attitude from one of embarrassment to one which stated, “That’s my dad, not me. I’m different than that. I spend quality time with my family and friends.” I was then able to slowly overcome the stigma of being a child of an alcoholic. My attitude is now “I am a mold breaker.” My father and his father before him were alcoholics, hung out in bars instead of with their families. I broke that mold!

Look for ways to “break the mold” that you have been cast into and create another. Create an attitude that is supportive of what you want and what you choose to represent.

5. Learn to ask for forgiveness and forgive yourself.

It would probably be impossible to seek out everyone you have ever bullied and ask forgiveness. However, when and where possible apologize to those you have hurt and ask for forgiveness. Be sincere about it, recognize the hurt you have cause and show remorse for your actions.

Asking for forgiveness is only part of the formula. Another part is forgiving those who have hurt you. When we choose to forgive it doesn’t mean, “that’s OK”, it wasn’t ok. Forgiving doesn’t mean, “I excuse your behavior”. What forgiveness means is this: Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. The party you are forgiving may not even be around anymore. They may never know you have forgiven them.

A big part of forgiving my father was in realizing that he didn’t know other ways of dealing with life. He could not express love, teach self-esteem, be patient, etc. when he had never learned those qualities. He could not teach what was not within him. He too had been a victim and didn’t know that change was possible.

When you forgive, you are saying, “I will not seek revenge. I don’t want to play that game any more, I’m putting that aside and moving on with my life”. You are saying, “I will let the past go and live my life now.” As “The Recovering Bully”, I receive many e-mails. I recently received one from a mother who’s two sons returned home from the first day of school, one in tears and the other bloodied, because of bullying. She writes, “I was bullied when I was in school 20 years ago and hate to see my children go through what I did. I can still see their faces, hear the tone of their voices and the names they called me. Can you help me?”

For the mother and her experiences my reply was simple and short, I said, forgive. This woman never let go of the hurt and anger being bullied caused her. By not forgiving, by not letting it go, she has given some of her power away to those who bullied her. By her own admission, she relives her experiences of 20 years ago just like it was yesterday. Learn to forgive and reclaim your power. Do not let others control your thoughts, emotions and life.

Learn to forgive yourself! This is not an easy task by any means and may take a very long time to accomplish; however, it is worth it. One of the methods I used to forgive myself is this: in a dimly lit room, I would sit in a comfortable chair. My feet flat on the floor, my hands folded gently in my lap. Allowing the chair to support my body, I would take 3 deep breaths in through my nose and allowing each to escape with a sigh out of my mouth. I would become as relaxed as possible. At this point I would choose an incident or an action to forgive. I would relive it in my mind as best as possible. When the review was over I would think of alternative ways the situation could have been handled. I then say to myself, silently: “I forgive myself for this, I didn’t have the resources to handle the situation better that I did and I forgive myself for this action.”

Over a period of time repeat this exercise with new incidences as they come to mind and forgive yourself for your actions.

Forgiveness is an extremely powerful tool. Practice it. Your life will change!

6. Re-invent yourself.

You have identified why you think you were a bully, you have asked forgiveness of those you have hurt and those who hurt you. You have begun to forgive yourself. Now it is time to start the rest of your life as you would choose it to be.

You have already identified qualities you posses that you don’t like. Now, begin to replace those qualities with the ones you do want! As an example, for years I spent my life as a “knee jerk reactionary.” Whatever was said or whatever happened, I had an instant reaction to it. This reaction very frequently got me into trouble or I said or did something which I later regretted. Now, I take time to absorb the situation and then decide my response based upon the facts and not just my feelings.

No doubt you will falter along the way to re-inventing yourself, falling back into old habits and mannerisms. It is to be expected. Change requires lots of attention and work. It takes a deep desire and willingness to “break the mold”. Continually working at it will make it happen.

When you do catch yourself slipping, what can you do? Say to yourself, “Wow, that’s not like me. Normally, I would react this way…” Give yourself instructions in how to handle the situation in a more appropriate way.

It can also be helpful to have a partner who is willing to help you in this manner. When he or she discovers you acting in “the old way”, they would stop you and say, “Wow, that’s not like you. Usually you act this way …”

You are most likely to slip when you are faced with a stressful situation that requires an immediate response that is when it is most likely you will slip backward. Take just a moment before you react, breathe deeply, allow your eyes to close momentarily and visualize how you choose to react. Then act in the way you want as the new you.

Having been raised in a dysfunctional family, I know that we often grow into our environment. If you are in an abusive family, you are more likely to become abusive as you follow the role model of your abusive parent. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can find other role models. And it doesn’t have to be a single person. Seek people who have qualities you would like to posses, study them, and emulate those qualities. It is important to find those who have the qualities you want, study them, absorb those qualities into your own life and make them yours.

Role models don’t have to be actual people. I know of several people who have used fictional characters in novels to model themselves after. A role model can be a public figure, entertainer, famous personality or they may be your next door neighbor or a relative.

In this step and in all steps, the more support you have the more likely success will come quicker for you. Invite a power higher than yourself to support you and protect you as you re-invent yourself.

If possible, invite a few close friends, teachers or family members to participate and support you as you change. Make sure they realize that this is a process and is not accomplished overnight. Setbacks can be expected and delays along the path may be encountered, but in time everything will fall into place.

7. Develop an attitude of gratitude.

Be grateful for this gift you have been given. Very importantly, realize you have always made a difference in the world. Without you in it, the world would not be the same. But now you have the opportunity to choose how you will make a difference. In your lifetime you will have touched many lives, you will have caused reactions to take place which will have lasting effects upon the entire world.

8. Teach others as the opportunity arises.

Be grateful for the lessons you have learned which have helped you become exactly who you are. These experiences are a part of you and can be used to help others. Share your story of how you have been able to change. Help them, upon request to change their lives. Recognize that you are an integral part of this world.

You are always an example for others to follow. Be the kind of example of which you can feel proud. You are powerful beyond measure. Your words and your actions will affect countless people and touch countless lives. Always do your best to ensure that these are positive effects. The creativity and positive energy we generate goes out into the Universe and returns to us ten-fold. So does the destruction and negative energy we generate. Which would you rather have?

Congratulations on your decision to change and your actions that show it! Recovery can take a long time but it is worth it as our lives become happier and more meaningful.